Horrible Race - Time to Retire?

This was by far the worst triathlon race I have ever had since well my very first triathlon.  I am not sure if my starting position caused any of this or not.  But I did have a hard time sleeping because of my starting number last night which only added to how bad this race went for me.

First the swim.  Since I was at the front of the pack I saw everyone jumping into the pool.  I knew that if I entered the pool the way I prefer I would have been spotted for a newbie instead of someone that should have had my number.  Then I notice other friends of mine and fellow DFW Tri'ers that I know have done half-ironman and/or full ironman behind me in the starting position.  So that only added to my pressure I was putting on myself.  Once I jumped into the pool that caused an immediate panic attack for me.  I mean instant panic attack.  I couldn't catch my breathe, I couldn't breath like I did all week, and I had only gone a few feet and still had basically the full 300 meters to go.  I struggled to get from one side to the other.  Swimming a few feet and dragging my ass the rest of the way by holding onto the ropes between lanes.  And I repeated over and over again until finally I made it to the end like 10 hours later or at least it felt it took me that long.  I am realizing that another problem of mine, and most likely in my head, is that I think that everyone is watching me.  And I hate being watched no matter what I do in life.

Now to the bike.  They changed the course and had us doing 6 steep hills over a 15 mile course.  By the time I got through the first two of those hills my legs were burning and I was seriously considering dropping out.  But as some of you know I can be stubborn and hate to admit that I cannot do something.  And quitting would have me admitting I cannot do this so I continued and after the second loop the thought of quitting at least left me.  But the burning legs continued loop after loop after the final loop.  By the time I got back to the end of the transition area I had gone from a rate G person to someone you would not want your kids hearing me talk to because I was cussing up a storm.  I was very upset.

And before I get to the run here is how my transitions went.  Before the race my only two goals were to swim the pool without any problems (failed) and improve my transition times (failed).  So after the pool I get to my spot and found the wind had knocked all my stuff around so I had to quickly get those items off the ground and put on my shoes.  Well that went bad but probably quicker than it was all last year.  BUT when I got back from the bike and transitioning to the run everything went to hell.  I couldn't get my running shoes on.  I tried and tried and finally had to sit down and get them on.  So that is when my language really took a turn for the worst.  Coming from a ride like that and even with me having my shoes set the night before so they would just slide on and then to have to sit on the ground to put them on was probably the last straw for me on this race.  I was beyond pissed.

Finally the run.  My legs were finished, my attitude was on the edge of being finished and a simple 5K might as well had been a half-marathon for me because it felt like it was never going to finish.  Outside of my legs being tired the run was okay I guess in the end.  It was a lot slower than yesterday but yesterday I wasn't riding a bike either before that race.  It was slow and until I see the final numbers I am going to say it probably took me 36 miles to run 3.1 miles.

So right now I am seriously considering not doing the Caveman but probably will in the end.  This race has at least put one thing in my mind.  And that is that I need to lower my race schedule for triathlons this year and start focusing more on training in deeper pools when I can.  I need to stimulate race starts however that is possible and I need to figure out how to overcome my anxiety and panic attacks when it comes to swimming.  Because this is just not natural for someone my age to have anxiety over swimming and freaking the hell out when it comes to race day.

So needless to say this was a horrible race for me.  I am back to square one it appears.  I do not want to retire because well first of all I am paying to do these races not them paying me so can someone really retire from races if they are not being sponsored by anyone.  Good question.  This is going to be a long year for me it seems.

But I do not know how my final numbers look yet.  I am probably not going to look at them for a few days because I am so disappointment in myself for how bad I did and really do not want to see the numbers only for them to prove it to me on exactly how bad it was.